Timelessness
“I have love in my heart to share”
I have a dear client who sometimes despairs of being in a loving, married relationship. Stella often talks of matters of the heart with calculating sense of “I only have ‘x’ number of childbearing years left and if I’m to marry and have children it must be SOON.” And this anxiety and distrusting of love, of the world, of God, and of her own loveability results in great unhappiness for her.
This week Stella came into session and a breath of fresh, rich air seemed to blow in with her. She sat comfortably. Her physical ease was unusual and noticeable – arms resting lightly, head cocked to one side and seeming to be almost laid gently on her shoulders. We sat without words for a few moments, both smiling, expectant. And to my great delight, Stella described moments during her week where she palpably felt what she was describing as a “timelessness” settling around her life.
One anecdote Stella told was of a colleague coming into her office and mentioning – as Stella mentioned that persons are often want to do – “Hey, take heart, it’s already Wednesday. Halfway through the week, only half more to go to the weekend.” Stella was not judgmental of this friendly gesture. She did say, however, that she listened to herself in the moment and realized, “I am not wanting the week to rush to the weekend. I’m liking being alive in these days.” And, Stella said she replied truthfully to her colleague, “Actually, for me, it feels like the week has been moving at a comfortable, slow pace.” Stella told this story with a broad smile on her face and we shared a sense of joy, even amazement. This is good living!
A different way of experiencing time was not the only growth Stella had to report. She moved to relationships and realized that having timelessness in her heart was shifting her feelings about relationship. Stella: “I have love in my heart to share. Perhaps my vision of a ‘typical’ or ‘perfect’ family life is not what will be best for me. When I find someone who will love me and who wants to be loved by me … well, then, maybe we’ll have our own children, or maybe we’ll just be good to each other as we grow older.” My response inside: Wow!
Naturally, the kind of understanding and spiritual peace that Stella brought with her into this session is like a mountaintop experience, it literally cannot last all the time and she will have to descend into normal time and feelings and disappointments. Yet, these truths that she experienced and expressed are now ALWAYS a part of her. Even in the most rushed, flustered, anxious moments of her life, Stella will carry within her this wisdom she discovered (and thankfully also imparted to me) about timelessness. And when she again despairs of relationship, she will also have within her this sturdy sense of self and love and life, nicely condensed by her approving self-awareness that she “has love in her heart to share.” Someone will be fortunate to share life with Stella, don’t you think?
Coda: I shared the above reflection with Stella a number of years afterward. Part of her reply felt to me like she had more to teach. She wrote: “I recall another 'mountaintop' time period which I felt fits with this topic of timelessness. There was one summer where I lived so mindfully. I chose not to wear a watch. I chose not to zone out so often with electronics of any kind. I spent time taking care of myself. I didn't just 'fill' my time. I chose to do things that were fulfilling and life affirming. It was glorious.”