Everything Bugs Me … A Call to Meaning

I met today with a dear patient, Chrissie.  She reported “not feeling great physically,” having a cough, and that her general feeling lately has been: “Everything bugs me!” 

You might imagine that a therapist in such a situation might feel abashed.

(A sidenote here. I find that when I am writing it is not uncommon that a word that I rarely use will come to my mind and I’ll try using it, even though I am unsure what its exact definition is. In this case, the word “abashed” came to my mind. What I have begun to do is to Google the definition and I find, to my delight, that the word that I wanted to use, that I have an inner emotional reaction about using, is almost always tinged with some shade of meaning that gives me an “aha” moment, a feeling that “ah, yes, that is what I am trying to express.” I will note that sometimes the word does not mean what I thought it meant. Yet, even in these cases, sometimes particularly in these cases, I find the word that I had a feeling about contains some information for me. This process that I am following in listening to myself, trusting my inner voice, is akin to the benefits of free association. When we listen and trust and check things out, we find understandings of ourselves that lay untapped if we do not explore openly.  So, back to “abash:” its meaning is to feel disconcerted and/or ashamed.)

It is not uncommon that when a patient reports they are struggling with difficult feelings, I as the therapist have a complex inner reaction. I note in such moments, with a tinge of genuine humility I like to think, that perhaps the therapy is not working well and could even be iatrogenic (just looked this word up: “an illness created by treatment”!) I let this idea sit with me. It is always possible that Chrissie feeling that everything bugs her lately is a negative effect of therapy.

I also have an alternative reaction, one that brings an inner smile. I like to think of sitting with Chrissie’s upset, grumpy, “bugged,” feelings and explore them with faith in her, with a resolute (“admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering”) commitment to upholding that she makes sense; that if we apply attention and kindheartedness to her discomforted feelings of being unhappy that a valuable meaningfulness is likely residing in her feelings.

So that is what Chrissie and I attempted together.  “What might the meaning of “Everything bugs me lately” be?”  You won’t surprised, I suspect, that Chrissie’s first reaction, almost reflexive, was, “I don’t know.” She did not pause as she reported that family members have been “being good to her” by calling and connecting.  (Sidenote: I wondered with Chrissie if perhaps her family members were being good to themselves and that they wanted to be in touch with her?  Chrissie: “Hmm. Maybe.” Though this was not easy for her to conceive – that is, that connecting with her could be a joy to the Other – in the gesture of surprise in her face, a look of almost distaste, then a softening as she pondered the idea, I had the impression that this interpretation had a positive influence on her, on her attitude toward herself.)

I spent a few moments reflecting that Chrissie’s first response to listening with openness to the fact that everything seemed to be bugging her was “I don’t know,” and that she then segued to people around her, from her perspective, trying to help her by reaching out to her more.  I wondered if Chrissie might once more consider if “being bugged by everything” might have meaning for her.

Here Chrissie paused a few moments, looked away and somehow her eye focus seemed both farther and softer, her tone changed and her pace slowed. “I guess I’m aggravated with myself over my career.”  Here Chrissie led with a small sharp laugh, “… or better, lack of a career.”  (Laughter at our heartache is a regular move most of us make. And, to my theme here, it has meaning.)

Chrissie described three or four work avenues that she is considering. Each avenue had a concern, a problem, a barrier, that made any one of them not seem to stand out as “the answer” for her regarding what she wants to do regarding her career.  So, the way out of her discomfort is not immediately in front of her – this only makes sense! Because if a key to understanding herself and what she wants and how to get there were fairly obvious it is likely Chrissie would have found her way already.

So, Chrissie may have more days ahead of her feeling that everything bugs her. If she is willing to listen to this feeling and trust it, hear what it has to say to her, two things happen.  1) she is immediately less bugged by being bugged. And this is a serious, real benefit!  2) if she does listen deeply and feel a resonance that the meaning of her unhappiness resides mainly in one area – in this case, in her relationship to work and her career options and choices – then she has a potent beginning point for knowing where a significant growing edge in her life is, and that it is calling for her attention. This too is a serious, real benefit. 

Who knew? All of this from being bugged by everything.