Positive Selves

Stirring Positive Connection with Oneself

This week* I had each of two clients who have powerfully negative self-relationships report instances of little windows into having a supportive, protective, positive self.  I felt pleased hearing their stories … their tentative, almost guilty, yet HAPPY stories of how they supported themselves.

[*I have been seeing patients in my private practice for many years. In that time, I write about therapeutic experiences as they occur. While I say in this piece, “this week”, the dates and times and identifying information of any therapy vignettes that I present will always be altered to protect confidentiality. I’ll often say “this week,” or “today,” because I usually write about experiences shortly after they occur.]

Linda is a chronically emotionally self-abusing professional woman.  She is also chronically in unhappy, mostly abusive relationships.  She has stated, in response to her torment about relationships and my statements that positive relationships could start with herself, that “self-esteem is highly over-rated!”   

This week Linda tentatively shared the following story:

“I was driving home to see my family for Christmas.  I felt unreasonably depressed and physically tired.  As I drove I began to think to myself, ‘what would it be like if I had a friend here?  What would I say to myself if I were going to be next to me and take really good care of me?’”

 She went on, “I imagined myself sitting next to me in the car (and she even called this supportive part of herself by her own name, “I had Linda in the seat next to me. And Linda said to me.“).  She turned to me and said with winning directness and more than a touch of sarcasm, “I know you must be excited thinking of me actually trying to care for myself.” 

[I was excited. I was charmed by the courage and creativity Linda described in order to explore supporting herself.]

So, as Linda drove towards home she had an imaginary supportive version of herself sitting next to her wondering about the question: “What could you do to take really good care of you?”  And Linda decided, with the help of imaginary Linda sitting next to her, to go home, say hello to everyone, tell them she is exhausted, and let herself take a nap. She reported that that nap turned out to be deeply restorative.    

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Ed is a late 30’s male who works laboring jobs and struggles with the reality that he has a good mind, a thoughtful mind, even at times a mind that becomes obsessed with existential questions.  Mostly his obsessive thoughts are self-punishing and leave him feeling confused and negative about life and angry and dissatisfied with himself. 

The previous week in therapy, much more than any previous session, Ed was able to explore that he LIKED coming to therapy and that he enjoys “having a good relationship,” like the one he feels we are sharing in treatment.  Ed stated that what he felt when he thought about treatment and our connection was, “Don’t leave me!  Don’t be impatient with me.  Everyone wants me to do for them, and then they leave me.”  (One can hear the echoes of difficult previous and formative relationships, likely from childhood, in these tender concerns from his soul.)

This past week in therapy Ed smiled and hesitatingly told me he is “feeling better recently.”  Tell me more!  Ed:  “Well, I’ve been thinking that maybe I’m not so bad after all.”

For Ed to have the feeling that treatment can provide him with a constant object appeared to give him some ground for being a steady, increasingly supportive object for himself! 

It is fascinating and gratifying to watch two hurting, sensitive human beings explore supporting themselves with positive internal object relations.