Separating and Individuating ... a brief example

Separating and individuating, becoming our own unique self, is not about becoming selfish. Quite the contrary, it is central to forming loving, connected relationships.  *Charles came into couples therapy with a lifelong story of himself as “the kind of person” who “just helps people,” “I can’t help myself.”  (Reread what Charles said there and see if the irony jumps out at you on a second pass through — something struck me looking at his words, but only the second time through. I think it was a Freudian, meaningful statement.) As you might suspect, he had a belly full of resentments about people using him, most particularly his partner of many years – who was indeed underfunctioning in almost exact proportion to Charle’s overfunctioning.  We came to a time in his work – significantly and symbolically, Charles had chosen to continue with individual therapy even after his partner had become unwilling to attend joint sessions – where he began to be capable of realizing that he could, as he put it, be the “kind of person who can care for another by not taking on their feelings.”  Charles changed physically.  He worked himself into the power of himself, he smiled more, he became more decisive, and predictably, happier.

[*Names and identifying information always changed to protect confidentiality]