Assertiveness and the Jump from Passive to Aggressive

I have a clear recollection of the first time I was in a seminar setting being taught about assertiveness.  The instructor first mentioned that assertiveness is likely a common enough word and idea that all of us would have some ideas about what it means. Then we were asked, and I’ll ask you the reader, to take a few minutes, take out a pen and paper (seriously now, pause for a minute before reading the paragraphs below, would you?) and write down what your own native definition of assertiveness is.

Did you do it?

Many of us in the U.S. will think of assertiveness with particularly American flavorings that seem embedded in our Collective Unconscious. The view we most normally take of it as something rather risky, self-asserting, often aiming to get what we want, without being overly concerned with others. 

And these native definitions do capture something about what assertiveness means usually.

The instructor of my class continued by saying that we often learn what something is by getting clearer what it is not.

This was interesting to me and to this day seems helpful to me. So, what is Not Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is not passivity.  What is passivity? It is when we do not respect ourselves. 

Assertiveness is not aggressiveness.  What is aggressiveness? It is when we do not respect the other.

Passive (not respecting Self) Assertive (respect Self and Other) Aggressive (not respecting Other)

Assertiveness is like the Golden Mean.  It is respecting ourselves and respecting the other. Assertiveness is being direct and honest.  (Not pushy! Not too much. i.e. Aggressive. But not mushy. Not too little. i.e. Passive)

(A word about me. I grew up in an environment that highly prized what I at this teaching moment suddenly realized clearly was passivity.  If you didn’t like a meal at a restaurant, God forbid you tell the server so if they asked.  Instead, you said, “Lovely.” Then as they walked away you could tell others how bad your meal was to general approval at your forbearance.  If we were angry or upset about something, we didn’t tell the Other. This was considered only good manners and good upbringing. Plus, we often had an internal positive feeling about our self-control.  Now in my life I see this behavior as passive: not respecting myself, and as aggressive, in not respecting the other enough to believe they deserve to hear what is true for me, with the added respect that perhaps they will be well able to manage my truth and respond with their own. )

The instructor closed with what I felt was a real insight and what prompted the title of this reflection.  That is, when we are habitually passive, not direct or honest, not respecting ourselves … this passivity builds up as resentment and pent up feelings.  Then we are quite vulnerable to waiting for a trigger that says to us, “Now!  Now is the time to finally say something!”  This built up passivity leads to aggressiveness, where we say things that do not respect the other.